I have been all of this and more.
Why is it that we don't want something when it is available to us, but as soon as the window of opportunity closes, we reconsider and think that we might possibly want the thing that we desperately tried not to have before?
Yes, I know that this is confusing.
I was frightned last night when I entertained thoughts that I should not have. Thoughts about what I want in life. Thoughts about what I may have missed already by taking the road that I am on.
I thought that I was doing okay - that everything was working out and that my choices so far haven't hurt me. Of course, many of the outcomes of these choices have been great, due only to pure luck.
I think that my luck might be running out. Maybe I've already used it all.
Perhaps I should start crawling through my yard searching for a four leaf clover. Maybe I will trip over a horseshoe near the riding paths in my old neighborhood. I could possibly veer out of control in my car, strike a rabbit, hack off its foot and carry it around with me. But, then again, how is that giving me luck - it certainly wasn't lucky for the rabbit.
I don't want to think that I have ruined all chances at happiness in life because I took a different path than everyone else. Hell, I fucking paved my own road, but no one seems to care that it took me as much time and effort as their travels down an already established path took them.
They always tell me: "Make some sense of your life - Get a goal - Eat apple pie - Live the American dream."
Just shut up already.
I am different than you and I am not going to be another one of these cookie-cutter graduates who live out their entire existence in a 9 to 5 hell.
Don't you see? All of them get to that point after years of hard laboring in the darkness of dank libraries and universities. They go through all of that to be trapped in a life that they hate. All of them say that they wish they could go back in time to be free again and not chained to a desk.
They all want to be me.
But they are scared - frightened - unsure of what is happening around them and it causes confusion of the most terrifying kind.
That seems familiar.