Actually, that's a lie, because I was slightly more upset last night after I got bitched at by my best friend, Katie.
I was told last night, in a not so friendly way, that if I slept with Patrick then Katie would not be speaking to me. It's not that she is in love with him or anything like that, it's the terrible fact that he has a girlfriend. And, yes, he has cheated on her in the past with me.
It's not something that I am proud of, but give me a damn break, it's not like I am going to lose all self control, rip off my clothes, and start fucking like a goddamned animal as soon as I see him walk through the door. Just because we made a mistake in the past doesn't mean that every time we are around each other that it will happen again.
It makes me so angry. I get a fucking lecture or get made fun of every time I sleep with someone. I'm sorry if my friends are more repressed than me when it comes to getting it on, but sex is just sex when both people know taht they aren't trying to be in a relationship. Sometimes fucking is just fucking.
I have never been yelled at and made to feel the way I did last night...in public and in front of all of our friends. I have never been made to feel like a dirty whore, but Katie did that quite well for me last night.
This all coming from the girl that I held one night because she was crying and told me she felt like a slut for sleeping with a few guys. I told her she wasn't, because that's the goddamned truth. I don't think that she is or ever has been anything other than a beautiful girl.
Apparently, last night, the feeling was not mutual.
I am so pissed.
And, to top it all off, she has left me a note apologizing to me. She says that she feels bad and was up all night worried about the fact that she said certain things that were completely mean and totally uncalled for.
Good.
Maybe you'll have a slight understanding of how I felt last night.
Maybe you'll know what it's like to have your best friend in the world make you cry.
Maybe you'll find out that being judged by the one person you thought would love you for who you are and not what you've done can hurt in a way you've never imagined.
Maybe I can forgive, but I don't think that I will be able to forget.