I was out tonight with everybody...when I say everybody, I mean my past, my present, my everything.
It's so bizarre to see the people that thought that they know you so well, but don't...I'm so much different than they ever thought that I would be.
Yes, I like boys. Yes, I like girls. Yes, I do hug and kiss everyone, even complete strangers.
Yes, I did get acceptance. Yes, new revelations about me made me an outcast with some.
Do I care?
Maybe a little bit....but not enough to matter.
I can't believe that I care about those that I thought I didn't. I can't believe that I care about those that I thought that I didn't anymore.
You know what I mean.
So much is going through my head right now, it's almost impossible to keep up!!!
Where were you all? Where were you all when I needed you?
I know, I know...just a fucking phone call away...but it's different...you don't know me now, you don't understand me, you don't know what I've been through.
I've battled my demons and come away from them. I've stared into hell and seen the fire. I know what it is to be uncontrollably out of control.
Sex, booze, drugs....I've done it all and lived to tell about it.
But do you really know??
I love you all so much...but will you, can you ever really know??
I don't think so.
I can't tell those that I love the most about my failures...about my craziness...about my meltdown....about it all...
Would they understand that I love? Love everyone, everything so much that it hurts? Would they be able to comprehend the fact that I view love differently than they do?
I wish that I could put it into words.
I wish that I could put it into some feeling that they would underdstand.
It all seems so silly. I want to be seen as the girl that has it all...The family, the friends, the life that shows nothing but perfection...Who am I kidding?!
I just want you all to love me for who I am.
Believe me...it has taken a while for me to be comfortable with me, so I understand if it takes you a little bit of extra time...just, please, don't judge me.
I love guys. I love girls. I love sex...with both kinds. I love my friends. I love my family. I love that I love all of this and am not ashamed.
You've gotten to know me...at least, those that are there all of the time have...and you know that I hide nothing here, no matter who is watching (hi ra).
I can't. Not here.
Like I've said before...This is my world. It is my domain, my inner sanctum. Love me for what you will, but be honest with me when you don't.
I won't stand for anything else.
Give me some credit...I'm almost a genius (if only in my mind).
And I need the recognition.
Amen.