I know that this has happened before, but today feels like no other, like a maze that I cannot find my way out of.
I feel lonely and scared, although I know that I am surrounded by people.
I feel like I'm drowning.
Why do I feel this way?
It's late at night, as usual. I'm sitting in the darkness trying to figure out what is wrong. It's nothing easy to find and point out, though I wish that it was.
To be honest, I'm worried that I am going to be the one to hurt him. I will be the one to say, "Enough, no more."
But I don't want to.
At least, not yet.
Why do I feel this way? Am I programed to fight back, even when there is nothing to fight against? Will I be the one to end it all? Or will I end up being the one who is hurt?
I don't want to be her - the one who wakes up one morning and finds her heart broken and bleeding on the floor.
I'm scared.
I'm scared to be the one who lets someone in.
I'm scared to let him know how I feel.
I'm scared that I don't know what I feel.
Why does this happen? Am I cursed to be eternally doubtful? Is everything that enters into my life destined to be scrutinized and dissected until there is nothing left?
I think that when it comes to my feelings, that I am not half as worried as when it comes down to other people's feelings. I don't want to hurt them, yet I cannot play imaginary games with myself.
I cannnot make myself believe in something that is not there, just as much as I fear to believe in something that is there.
He loves me, but the question is-Do I love him?
I think so.
But what if I'm not sure.
Why am I not sure?
I'm frightened.
I'm frightened of being hurt and of hurting him.
I'm frightened of lying and being lied to.
I'm frightened of feeling a way about him that I have never felt with any other.
It's all change - and it scares me.
I want to be in control, even when I know that I cannot be.
Love is like that-uncontrollable.
That's what makes it frightening.